I try and keep my blog posts pretty happy and sweet for the most part. But lately I've been feeling weighed down by my emotions and sometimes you just gotta get it out. So basically, if you're not interested in things getting real heavy around here, then this is your queue to leave.
Change (\ˈchānj\) : to make different in some particular : alter; to make radically different :transform; to give a different position, course, or direction to
I am definitely not one to adapt well to change. I actually hate it. If I could, I would stomp my feet until I could have things done my way and and how I like them. Am I being mature? No. But honest? Yes. I can't go with the flow. Or take things as they come. I like things to be planned out and I like to know exactly what is going to happen. I know, I'm not very exciting. So change has never been my friend. Especially if its not change that I'm actually contributing.
I just don't do well with change. I don't. For instance, when I turned 18, I literally cried on my bed all afternoon because I was upset that I was becoming an adult. It was a rough birthday. I guess most kids use this new freedom to go out and buy cigarettes or porn, but I just moped around and watched Peter Pan because I felt like he was the only person that understood me. In the last few months, I've been dealing with a lot of change. Most of my friends are either engaged/happily married, moving, or go to college. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm so happy for all of the people in my life that are growing and experiencing new adventures.
I fee like I'm being left behind even though I know that my time for an adventure isn't quite ready yet. In the last few months, I've been really struggling with this cloud of depression. I think I do a pretty good job of hiding it from a lot of people. Keeping a happy face and saying "I'm doing great". But everyday is such a struggle to be happy and feel fulfilled. Most days, all I want to do it drive to a hotel far away and stay in a room and hide from everyone and everything. But I know that's not a solution even though I want it to be. I struggle to be present on a daily basis. I'm always worrying about the future and concerned about the "what ifs" from the past. I'm a control freak and I never knew that until now.
So I hope at least this far in my post you have noticed that I've dyed my hair red. Yeah, its not a huge deal. But its a big thing for me. I've always kept my hair blonde. From Gwen Stacy to Mary Jane. It was a change that I wasn't sure I would like, but wanted to have. It's my change. No one else can control this but me.
Life would be comfortable if I stayed in my hometown where I would have safety and security in basically every aspect of my life. But I know I wont be truly happy if I do. So here's to change. Even though she can be a bitch.