Friday, June 14, 2013

Reasons why I quit.

I've been staring at the screen for a while. Wondering what I should say. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have to much to say. Verbal vomit I guess. I quit blogging for a lot of different reasons. In my head, I tell myself its because I'm too busy. But that's a lie. I basically come home from work everyday around 4 and watch tv (just finished Game of Thrones. Somebody, lets talk about it!). So yeah, I guess I'm "busy". But really, I have time to take pictures of myself and write things. Even though its a pain in the ass to do when you have no one to take them. But I have time. 

I struggle with inadequacy. Not being good enough. Maybe I don't match my clothes right, or maybe the fit doesn't look good. I want to say that I don't care what people think of me. But once again, that's a lie. I care so much of what people think of me that I have sat on the bathroom floor, hysterically crying because I was intimidated of what the people were going to think when I arrived at a party. When it comes to superhero powers, I always wanted the power of  hearing peoples thoughts. Like Matt Parkman from Heroes. I guess that makes sense, because I would want to hear there thoughts about me and try and change myself so they would be happy. Ha! How pathetic is that? But its true. I want to be good enough. 

I'm afraid of what you'll know about me. Not that I have some secret identity. I'm not that cool, people. More like I'm afraid that you'll know too much about me and that you'll be disappointed. I'm not very clever or funny. I'm not poetic or creative. I'm an average person that likes to pretend that I'm more than what I am. I like Taco Bell and wearing cute clothes. That's it. Well, I'm more than just retail and fast food restaurants. But you get it, I hope. 

So if your sitting in your car, crying because your day sucked and JT's Mirrors is playing on the radio, then I feel you. And I hope we can be friends. And if you feel like you're not enough. You are. I'm finding ways to show myself my own value. Most days, I don't see anything. But I'm thankful to have loving people in my life to encourage me. Thanks for reading these words. Also, if you need a good song to blast when you need a pick me up, play this song from the Foo Fighters. Its great. And its all that I've been listening to this week.